Dying Matters
Dying Matters! Death Dignity Matters! Death & Culture Matters!
Yes, I know society paints the “death” word as a dirty word. Saying the word DEATH gets people jumpy. Talking about dying gets folks uncomfortable.
I’ll be honest, I have not always been ready to talk about death and dying.
Flashback to my teenage years when my parents thought it was the apropos time to discuss end of life and arrangements they have made.
I shut that down so quickly and moved on to another topic. I didn’t even want to think about that awful reality.
The reality that one day WE ALL WILL DIE.
Now, as a grown adult and someone who works in the field of aging, caregiving, dementia, and end of life, I have grown to appreciate that conversation more..
I have learned from firsthand experience that living and dying are both very natural things. Talking about dying matters!
And good on my parents, because there’s no magic number for when it’s the right age and time to discuss dying matters.
It’s ALWAYS a good time to openly talk about what your wishes are and your feelings around death.
As for me, I would desire for my death to be quick and painless. Lol. Wouldn’t we all? Maybe I could die in my sleep. Just go off into my dreams forever and be with the Lord.
What about the after-death care? What wishes do I have for my family and loved ones?
Personally, I would like for them to have a celebration. Hunny, the Lord has called me home. My time has come so, let’s celebrate that my soul is at peace with the Lord.
No matter what your wishes are, it is important to start having these conversations. It is important to have an open dialogue about death & dying.
Now, there’s no way I can talk about death and dying without also recognizing how racial inequality within society also impacts death: How we view it, how we experience it, and how we are affected by it differently.
Death within the Black community is heavy to talk about. Especially, when that death is at the hands of others. That kind of death will NEVER be a joy to talk about, plan for, or experience..
But I want to also talk about death within the Black community from a lens of cultural values and our unique Black American experience of death.
Funerals, ceremonies, and spiritual rituals make up a huge part of our customs and beliefs.
I could ask any one of my Black friends how long an average funeral is, and I’m sure they’d share that it is typically an all-day experience. (At least in my family it is.) And with great pride!
We mourn the life, while also honoring and celebrating the transition.
We gather with family and friends. We commune. We exchange stories of laughter. We lean in with our grief. We share tears. We prepare meals with love. We dine over soul food of comfort. We pray and speak with God. We sing & dance. We adorn the space to highlight our loved ones. It is truly a blessed experience like none other.
The point is: Taking care of one another even in death, is a great priority in the Black community.
I’ve grown to love that about us and grown to understand it even more working in this field.
In the field of aging and dementia, I have seen death up close and personal. I was honored many times to stand beside someone and witness them take their very last breaths.
Seeing that changes you. It grows you. It helps you put life into perspective.
It also teaches you what is of value in this life. Family, loved ones, culture, autonomy, peace, joy, love, comfort, freedom, legacy.. these are the things that I value in my life. Not material possessions.
And I value my culture. I value the traditions I’ve witnessed over these 30+ years of living. I have come to understand the importance of these traditions across the life span all the way up until my last breath.
I believe this is why DYING MATTERS.
It matters what you value in this life and the wishes you have for yourself when it ends. It matters to have these conversations, even when they are extremely uncomfortable. Your death matters.